Diary “Manny’s horror Sunday”

Diary “Manny’s horror Sunday”

Sunday 17th May

Dear Diary,
Today the day was terrible.
I could not calm myself down.
How can my old man not respect the way I want to live my life?
I’m confused. What can I do? Or what should I do?

Today dad talked to me about the arranged marriage.
I sat on the sofa watching a football game on TV. My father talked to me in a super- calm way. I was surprised. I did not know that he could be polite.
Something felt very wrong. I tried to fix on the TV. But my old man told me that he arranged my marriage with a daughter of a friend in India. I still fixed on the TV. The situation was so similar to the situation of Harry.
Harry ‘s arranged marriage was not a choice Harry could make either but he wanted the arranged marriage. But I am different. I don’t want to let my father decide what I should do. I want to have the opportunity to say no. I was hardly fixed on the football match. I heard his voice but I did not listen to what he was saying. My old man told me that my arranged marriage was set. The girl will visit England in July. Two moths ahead, only two.
And then he really shocked me. I should marry in summer next year. Only one year ahead. I will be seventeen. I am not ready to get married. The girl I should marry will have the right to stay in England. But what about my rights? Why can’t I be free?
In this moment I was frozen. I could not react. I thought about hitting him or run away but I could not. I was sweaty and felt bad.
My father saw ma reaction. It was not the one he wanted to see. His super-calm voice turned to the voice I knew so well. He chanced his lecture. He saw that he “polite act” he did to me is like he would run in front of a wall. He told me not to ruin the family name. My old man stolen my idea of running away because he knew (and I knew) that I would end up as a druggie or a prostitute. It was my duty to uphold his honour and pride. He started to blackmail me. He told me that I am not someone special or different from them. But I am! His blackmailing was very successful. I felt and I still feel bad. I will always be a Punjabi. But I could also be a liberal Punjabi like Ekbal(‘s family). Suddenly, my old man said that he knew about my shoplifting and about smoking. But the truth is: he did not know. He knows only what I do but he never asks why I am doing these. I was confused. And he, my old man, he was red in his face. He was very angry and he looked as if he was going to loosing control.
My mum came in. She sat down and I immediately understood that she was going to do the “hysterical act” as she did with Harry. She started to cry and to pray. What should I do? My dad asked me if I wanted to kill him or my mother. I was not sure anymore. Their blackmailing made me nervous. Although I knew what they were going to do I was afraid and confused. And I am still.
My old man told me to go to India for one year to become a clear mind. I had no choice. I have no choice. And I hate this feeling no to know what’s wrong or right and not to be free.